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Growing Up!

Aaah! Those growing up years, when you just can’t wait to grow up and “feel” grown up! How we longed for it! Years which are beautiful only in hindsight.

My sister and I were just two years apart. Torturing each other was the most important thing in life, at that moment. We fought about everything there was to fight about: whose friends were more obnoxious, who was mom’s favourite, who would get the better dress that birthday, who messed up the room and who would tidy it up.

We even fought over the family dog! Who would walk him, who he would sleep with and who he loved more. Snoopy was a delirious Beagle who took great pride in how fast he could swish his tail and lick us at the same time. I would conveniently make up stories about how Snoopy had slobbered all over me and that was enough for the weeping willow!

We considered each other a waste of human space, and didn’t hesitate to say so. Several tearful days followed, as did the parent’s wrath. Dad always said once you both grow up, you won’t be able to live without each other. Yes, we believed him like life would be full of Sundays! We scoffed the very thought and couldn’t wait for each other to get out of the room, house and lives!

School was the other nightmare! Having this lil’ sister winging around and I got ticked off by the teachers for all that she hadn’t done. Being constantly told that I was the role model and had to set an example got my goat. Why couldn’t she just be a separate individual?

Why were we clubbed together like Siamese twins? People felt obliged to invite her when they invited me to birthday parties / movies. I’d much rather have just dropped her in the garbage bin than have to suffer her for a whole evening. I often told her she was adopted and reduced her to tears. Sounds mean in hindsight, but I enjoyed seeing that expression on her face those days and loved it when the water works started!

Wonder if others go through these streaks of “hating” the sibling or am I different?
- Shirin

LIFE I LEARNED FROM A JIGSAW PUZZLE

Don't force a fit. If something is meant to be, it will come together naturally.
When things aren't going so well, take a break. Everything will look different when you return.
Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on the little pieces only leads to frustration.
Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went together bit by bit, piece by piece.
When one spot stops working, move to another. But be sure to come back later
(see above).
The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook.
Variety is the spice of life. It's the different colors and patterns that make the puzzle interesting.
Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of security and order.
Don't be afraid to try different combinations. Some matches are surprising.
Take time to celebrate your successes (even little ones).
Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great puzzle can't be rushed.
- Nityashree

Unanswered Questions

I’ve just got back from a holiday, with my two kids aged 4 and 6. It was a blissful period of rest and recuperation and getting some of my thoughts in order. The last 3 years have been Hell. Court appearances, divorce proceedings and constant battles with my ex-husband sapped me of all my energy.

Looking back, I feel I was constantly struggling. Struggling to appear strong and optimistic, keeping my sanity, trying to make ends meet, trying to be a single parent to little kids who never understood any thing of what I went through. It was hard to keep my job and have to leave my kids with my mom for day care.

All this while my ex-husband was “enjoying”. He never paid me anything towards maintenance, didn’t bother about the kids, and seemed to be having a merry time with his girlfriend.

Reflecting on the last three years I realized the hurt, the pain and the humiliation I had gone through. Would it have been easier to carry on, turning a blind eye to his philandering ways? What was I trying to prove? That I can stand on my own two feet? That I can be a mom and dad to two innocent children? That I stood for certain ideals and wasn’t going to compromise?

Only a single mom knows how hard and exhausting things are. Are there other women out there who have a similar story? Wonder if we can exchange notes. Is divorce really worth it? Are divorced people happier? Will my kids blame me some day for the extreme step I took? Would it scar them for life? There are so many questions…..I’m just waiting to get some answers!

- Jamini

THE BOND THAT BINDS!

With Rakhi round the corner, on 28th Aug, I’d just like to share my thoughts and the relevance of this traditional ritual / festival even today.

Rakhi is that wonderful time of the year, when we celebrate our brothers! The love between a brother and sister, is an unparalleled bond, and we as Indians, should be proud of this wonderful legacy. In today’s fast paced life, most of us do away with rituals, have no time for age-old traditions and continue to live our life in the fast lane.
Rakhi is a traditional festival with a deep meaning, and we should take the time to tell our children the deeper meaning behind the celebration, and reinforce the love between a brother and sister.

It is always celebrated on the full moon day ( Purnima ) in the month of Shravan. The sister ties the holy thread or Rakhi on her brother’s wrist, with much love and affection. With this thread, she prays for her brother’s long life, wishes him good health and prosperity. The brother, on his part offers his sister a life long commitment, to always protect her and stand by her in good and bad times.

If someone does not have a real brother, they can tie the Rakhi to a cousin or any male, who they consider as a brother. When Rani Karnavati of Chittor sought protection, she sent a Rakhi to Emperor Humayun, who, on his part, is known to have abandoned a military campaign he was immersed in, and he came to the rescue of his sister. Rakhi is also tied to show solidarity and kinship. Religion has no role to play in it.

In these troubled times of violence, arson and destruction, shouldn’t we take the initiative, and teach our children this simple lesson of love?

- Anupam

Can money matters cost you your marriage?

I have been married two years (love marriage) to a co-worker. We are earning well – more than what couples of our age earn. But is money everything? We did think so in the beginning. But we feel terrible now and can’t seem to stop fighting. We work in a BPO and are pampered by our employers. Both of us work all nights, come home like rags and simply go straight to sleep. Sex life is at a standstill - we hardly touch each other and worse, he says he wants a baby now! We live by ourselves in a small apartment but it is in a holy mess now because there is no time to get it cleaned up properly. I cannot even stir when the maid comes and she does pretty much what she wants. And now he’s asking me to give up my job – why should I when I got him his job in the first place? Anyway imagine missing out on the luxuries! I don’t think I can and nor can he. I feel like I’m already falling out of love and he is not the person I married – he nitpicks too much. Should I get out before it’s too late? Can anyone give me a good solution? I’m depending on you guys from Sitagita even before I discuss this with anyone else.

-Malini K

Moving Forward

I know plenty of people whose spouses have had affairs and their marriages have split. Sometimes legally, ending up in a divorce. Sometimes they just choose to stay apart, away from each other or continue to live separately, under one roof.
My friend Mythili is one such case. After 8 years of separation, and being single, she says she is still emotionally battered. I’ve always wondered why? Is her hurt self-inflicted? Why isn’t she in control of her emotional state, and responsible for her feelings?

Rational thinking can change a person’s thought process and consequently her emotional state, over a period of time. I agree, that divorce is definitely devastating, but what happens after a divorce? Do people let go? Or do they choose to hang on to the negatives, feeling sorry for themselves or their state? Isn’t it a person’s responsibility to move on in life? Is it more important to hold on to the grudges or learn from life’s experiences? Does the divorce leave them wiser or even happier? I know it’s probably different when a person goes through a divorce, compared to my thinking aloud. But at the same time, I do wonder why people remain emotional cripples several years down the line? It is important to think honestly and objectively. Moreover, I feel it is important for a person to take responsibility for her feelings. Any thoughts, on the matter? Would love to hear..

- Anamika

What shall I do to get well from my eating disorder? Recommend methods for anorexia, bulimia and fat recovery.

It takes time to get well and you must work on yourself.

Suppose you have inherited an old house full of rubbish and in need of repair. It takes a lot of purposeful work to make it a beautiful, functional home, but it can be done if you work hard. It is, maybe, not so important which room in the building you start with, but it is important to start somewhere, otherwise nothing will happen. Important problems to attack if you have an eating disorder:

Switch to a diet containing wholesome food which does not lure you into overeating. More
The food should also be based on ingredients with a low glycemic index. More
Learn to recognize your feelings of physical hunger and satisfaction. Eat only in response to physical hunger and stop when you are satisfied. More
Learn to recognize true feelings and solve problems. Don't flee from unpleasant feelings by means of starvation, vomiting or compulsive eating. Accept and allow yourself to feel unpleasant feelings.
Consider the whole of your life: studies, work, friends, spare time, family, home, etc. Where can you make improvements?
Try to think in a constructive way so that you don't make unnecessary difficulties for yourself.
Some medicines can make this process easier for some people. They do not cure your eating problems, just make it a little easier to get well. These medicines are:
SSRI medicines.
Naltrexone (Revia).

How can I change my eating habits?

Make a record of all your bad eating habits, such as:

Skipping lunch
Buying a bar of chocolate every day
Eating toast, butter and marmalade all evening
Eating too much fat cheese
Eating while working at the sink instead of sitting down at the dining table.
Vomiting almost every evening

Select the bad habit which you think will be the easiest to correct and concentrate all you can on improving this habit first.

When you have successfully managed to introduce a better habit, e.g., to eat a plate of salad for lunch every day, you can then begin to remove the next bad habit, and so on.

Through all this time, you can count on feeling sad and irritated. The eating monster inside you will insist on continuing with the bad habit. It will be necessary for you to be as persistent as somebody who has decided to stop smoking. Finally, in time you will get accustomed to it and experience the new habit as obvious and natural. Plus, you will feel good about yourself for having overcome a bad and unnecessary habit.

How can I change my behaviour? How to change life? How break a bad habit?

If you want to solve your problems, you must be active and this often involves changing your habits and ways of thinking.
For example, you may want to reduce your weight, find a better job, complete a difficult task, or change your relations to other people.

These problems are difficult and extensive. To be successful, it might help to divide them into a number of smaller objectives. Begin with the one that comes first and then set new objectives. You do not have to make a list of all the objectives in advance.

Every objective must be clearly defined; e.g., if you want to reduce your weight, you may begin by deciding to take more exercise, but this is not at all clearly defined. It would be better to state that you intend to walk or cycle for 30 minutes a day.

It might be wise not to demand perfection from yourself. You could, for example, decide to exercise 30 minutes at least five days a week instead of 30 minutes a day. That gives you the possibility to succeed even if you don't manage to do it every day.

If you want to achieve a big change, it can be a good idea to divide it into a series of small short-time subgoals, which step by step will bring you closer to your final goal. For example, if your home is unclean and messy and you don't have the energy to clean it all at once, you could decide to clean for 30 minutes a day or do one room every Saturday and finally get the nice, clean home you long for, after a few weeks.

It is often easier to make small changes, one at a time, than large changes in your way of living. To completely change your eating habits may, for example, seem insurmountable. But if you take one step at a time, you will, after several steps, notice that you have achieved much more than you first thought possible.

It is obvious that this approach can be applied to almost anything you want to do.

How do I learn to say "NO"? Tell me more about learning to say NO! Do you recommend confidence-assertiveness training?

Learning to say NO

Saying NO can be very difficult. People with low self-esteem very often have a lack of assertiveness and think they have to meet the expectations of everyone. It is very hard for them to set limits with others. They sometimes feel ashamed or guilty if they would say NO. But to do things against your will and possibilities will end up in feeling used and resentful.

A simple and direct "NO, I am not able to help you with that" is the best solution. If you want to (have to) give an explanation you should keep it simple:"NO, I have already made an another appointment for this time" or "NO, sorry. I am afraid I have to decline because I have no spare time."
Other ways of saying NO:

I can´t do this right now.
NO, thanks. Not this time. Thank you for asking.
Sorry, but NO.
Please accept that I cannot come.
I´d rather not.
To say an assertive NO you should:
Start the sentence with the word NO
Shake your head and use nonverbal assertiveness to underline your NO. Your voice should be clear and direct. Keep eye contact.
If someone makes a request it is fair to ask for time to think it over. The decision should be up to you, but sometimes it is difficult to say NO right now. You can try to use an empathic NO, if you would have helped under different circumstances:

"Sorry, no. I would have kept your cat next weekend. But my husband and I will be off for visit. I know it will be hard to find someone to take care off the cat. I will try to help you next time." Remember : Saying NO is a very honourable response. You have the right to say "No"!

How do you learn to think constructively? Can this help with Stress Management?

We interpret our surroundings continually and individually. Some people interpret them in a self-destructive way which leads to unhappiness and failure to create a good life for themselves. Others are ultimately successful with life, even though it seemed dark and hopeless at the beginning.

If you suspect that you are stuck in a self-destructive pattern of thinking, you can ask yourself if you get any benefit from thinking in this way. If not, then you are your own worst enemy. Do you really want to be a person who is always being pushed down? You can get away from it as follows:

First identify those self-destructive ideas you repeat to yourself like a broken record. Then start to practice to replace them with ideas which will help you make progress. Here is a list of examples of destructive and constructive ideas:


Self-destructive ideas: Ideas which lead to self-fulfilment and progress:
I must be loved and get approval for everything I do. I concentrate on my own self-respect and on loving instead of being loved.
I can't help my feelings and I have no control over them. I have enormous control over my feelings and I practise saying the right things to myself.
Happiness comes through laziness and inactivity. People are happiest when they are active and engaged in creative things or when they devote themselves to others.
I need somebody bigger and stronger who can care for me and help me. It is better to stand on your own legs and get confidence in your ability to meet life's difficulties.
I need to be competent, adequate, intelligent and successful in all respects. I try to do something even if I can't be the best. I accept myself and all my limitations.
I cannot forgive myself for bad things I have done. I learn from what has happended, and use that knowledge to handle my life better in the future.
My unhappiness depends on external factors which have been forced on me by people and events. Most unhappiness is caused or maintained by personal reactions rather than the things themselves.
Anything which has affected me strongly will do so to the end of my life. I try to learn from previous experiences but I am not unnecessarily controlled by them.
What other people do is very important for me and I must make a great effort to try to make them to move in the direction I want them to go. Other people's shortcomings are largely their affair and to exert pressure on them usually helps least of all.
It is easier to avoid life's difficulties and responsibilities than to meet them head-on. The easiest way is often the hardest in the long run. The only way to solve difficult problems is to face up to them and work.
If anything is, or may be, dangerous you must be extremely worried about it. It is best to try and make it harmless, less harmful or controllable. If this is impossible, then be alert and careful, but stop wasting energy by worrying.
It is terrible when things are not the way I want them to be. Try to change or control circumstances so they get more satisfying. If that is impossible, it is better to accept the situation and stop repeating to yourself how terrible things are.

What is Assertiveness?

What is Assertiveness?
How do I learn communication skills to express my needs and rights?
How do I develop self-esteem?

Assertiveness is the ability to express your needs and rights, positive or negative feelings without violating the rights and limits of others.

Assertiveness is the:

Communication skills, ability to express your thoughts and future ideas
ability to identify and express your feelings
Define and respect limits
Communicate and listen in an open, direct and honest way
No one will be able to achieve these goals at once. Before you try to develop skills for assertive behaviour you have to believe that you have the legitimate rights to have this needs:

The right to your own values, opinions and emotions
The right to change, enhance and develop your life in your own way
The right to decide how and where to lead your life and establishing own priorities and goals.
The right not to justify feelings or behaviour to others
The right to respect your needs and limits
The right to tell other how you wish to be treated
The right to say "NO"
The right to take the necessary time and support to formulate your ideas and wishes before expressing them.
The right to ask for help and information without having negative feelings of shame or guilt
The right to make mistakes
The right to change your mind or sometimes act illogically
The right to like yourself even through you are not perfect
Getting your way
How can you get people to do what you want? You must first realize that life is give and take. If you do what other people want, you can easier get them to do what you want.

You may feel that life is unfair to you, that you have to give a lot, and get little back. There are different strategies that you might use to set this right.

Complain, nag, quarrel, scold, hate, fight.
Praise, warmth, love.
In general, the second method is more successful than the first. Tell people clearly what you want. But do this in a neutral or positive way, not in a quarreling way. Give praise whenever people do what you want, satisfy your needs. But instead of quarreling, just say nothing when they do not do what you want. This is in most cases the most effective strategy.

Is there a psychological cause in women who don't want to make love? How can I increase female sex drive?

When talking about psychological causes of not being interested in making love, we refer to certain thoughts, feelings or emotions that reduce the interest in sex. Because of fear and anger, sexual desire may disappear in certain situations. This may have several causes like fear of performance, fear of intimacy, fear of excitement, dissatisfaction with one's own body or suppression of events from childhood. Traumatic experiences may have a lot of influence on sexual desire. Sad experiences that haven't been dealt with, like the loss of a partner, nagging and conflicts in relationships may also influence sexual desire negatively. Relational problems are often a cause. For all sorts of reasons, partners may become physically personally less attractive to each other. Differences in sexual needs and the refusal of partners to respond to advances may lead to doubts about the self-image of the man, the woman or the self-image as the beloved partner.

Certain irrational thoughts e.g. that refusing to have sex is the same as admitting an affair, may lead to a great disappointment or anger. A reduced interest in sex is also a frequent symptom of various psychiatric syndromes. The most frequent syndrome is depression. It also turns out that men and women experience sexual desire in a different way. Women see love, emotional intimacy and involvement as a goal, while men see sexual activity as such as the goal. Other factors may also negatively influence desire e.g psychological problems of the partner, stress and/ or relational problems. In the first meetings a sexologist will ask about these possible causes, so that the condition may be identified.
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